BEEN AWHILE

I'm on track, I think.  I'm happy, aren't I?  Day in and day out I'm nose down, head on; shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.  If I keep busy I don't have to think.  If I keep quiet I don't have to feel.  I have a wonderful time, I smile, I laugh, I even sparkle sometimes with hilarious wit, sometimes.  Why does it feel like I'm not there?   Why does it feel like I'm detached from everything?   I've stopped mulling over my conflicted feelings with my constant companion.  We're just here, getting by, and I just don't care anymore.  I can't sympathize with my oldest friend over his hollow palace and lack of will.  There aren't words left that would help.   I can't grieve my mother's lost dreams or her quiet unraveling like a good son.  I'm sporadically thinking of someone who is very kind and far away.  I worry mostly that life will make him unhappy and I feel he doesn't deserve that, yet I've never understood more that I can't give him what he needs.  I think I am coming to a realization, that I can't GIVE anything anymore, not to anyone.  Not to the best friend, the lost boy, the solider, the mother, the boss, the job, anything. Yet I can't let it be like this, can I?  I'm not there yet. Even if I do have life waiting just over the horizon, it is now only a vision, so I how do I deal with the here and now?  Will someone ever come along and have something to give me?  I feel so alone in this new life in my head.  Now even my dreams match my reality I guess.

Purging helps the soul, I needed to see with my eyes the jumble of things in my head. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense it rarely makes sense to me either.