BEEN AWHILE

I'm on track, I think.  I'm happy, aren't I?  Day in and day out I'm nose down, head on; shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.  If I keep busy I don't have to think.  If I keep quiet I don't have to feel.  I have a wonderful time, I smile, I laugh, I even sparkle sometimes with hilarious wit, sometimes.  Why does it feel like I'm not there?   Why does it feel like I'm detached from everything?   I've stopped mulling over my conflicted feelings with my constant companion.  We're just here, getting by, and I just don't care anymore.  I can't sympathize with my oldest friend over his hollow palace and lack of will.  There aren't words left that would help.   I can't grieve my mother's lost dreams or her quiet unraveling like a good son.  I'm sporadically thinking of someone who is very kind and far away.  I worry mostly that life will make him unhappy and I feel he doesn't deserve that, yet I've never understood more that I can't give him what he needs.  I think I am coming to a realization, that I can't GIVE anything anymore, not to anyone.  Not to the best friend, the lost boy, the solider, the mother, the boss, the job, anything. Yet I can't let it be like this, can I?  I'm not there yet. Even if I do have life waiting just over the horizon, it is now only a vision, so I how do I deal with the here and now?  Will someone ever come along and have something to give me?  I feel so alone in this new life in my head.  Now even my dreams match my reality I guess.

Purging helps the soul, I needed to see with my eyes the jumble of things in my head. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense it rarely makes sense to me either.

The BIG D

Spent the weekend in Dallas, much more to write about, but will have to keep for a later date. Here's a belated Man Monday for all.

MELANCHOLY

Ten days have gone by without a single post, and if anybody reads this thing they're not as upset about it as I am. I started writing this blog to express myself, to share my thoughts and feelings, and to follow through on a goal, but like all things I let life sidetrack me sometimes. I don't want this experience to end up on the shelf with unfinished paintings, half used diaries, and only partially read books. I do have a lot going on in life now, a second job, and even more responsibilities at the first, a remodeling project for someone I am deeply committed to seeing through,  a car that's been recently resurrected yet still has problems, and a roommate that on the daily seems to be headed to Chernobyl style meltdown. I think that only slightly grazes the surface. Through it all what I'm really struggling through is finding my happiness. It has to be somewhere. I like my jobs, I love my friends, I value my alone time, but where is my Happiness? Why can't I greet the day with a joy that makes me want to run out and conquer the world? In 28 years I've never seen the life I want so clearly, and I don't want those dreams to be wrapped tightly around a single person, so why do I need someone else to stroke the fire?  I know I can do anything in this world, I just know I can't do it alone.

And here's some pictures for your trouble.

MAN MONDAY

My Secret Obsession...

By the way the last two OMG, all I got to say!