Bleak

Nothing feels the same anymore. Life is passing everyday and I'm in a stuper watching things go by, stumbling through the motions of my existence without feeling, without thought. Hollow in my own body I want to drink, snort, swallow, smoke, feeling back into me. I've been so down before disgusting and destitute and I've been so high accomplished and ambitious, so why do I wait for life to bite me. Why do I yearn for it to kick me, to push me, rape me, rip me open. If only I could cope. If only I could be stronger, more determined and patient. If only I didn't need someone to hold me and validate my worth.