FEAST for the EYES

How bout a few visual delights to lighten the mood. I'm not always maudlin after all.

REINVENTION

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I'm making any progress on this path. I have a swirling misty image of how I want things to be and yet when I look for direction, just to determine what next step to take I find myself lost.  I look towards money. Got to follow the money right? It is certainly the most tangible thing that can get me where I want to go.  Yet how to make it? If I throw real muscle into my current position I risk damaging a personal and professional relationship that has always been good to me.  If I continue to stay in the comfortable safety of the service world I risk merely getting by and making no headway. I look towards my support system. Sometimes they're supporting me, sometimes I'm supporting them, but no one shares my vision I truly think. No ones inspires the fire in my belly I need to make great changes.  More realistically they inspire my fears of being stuck, of being lost, of being dependent and of being too afraid to do anything about it.  But it's not their fault they truly love me and those fears are bred merely out of my perceptions of their problems, and my guilt of not knowing how to help.  I need LOVE. I crave LOVE. Someone once told me you have to ask the universe for help. You have to open your mouth and say " I can't do it all alone" and this is me saying it. I need the type of love that feeds the fire within. That makes you jump up in the morning, and wraps around you at night.  I know within in me is a powerful force that can achieve, create, awe, and inspire, but I need a reason to feel it.  I need a love to make the world a better place.

BEEN AWHILE

I'm on track, I think.  I'm happy, aren't I?  Day in and day out I'm nose down, head on; shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.  If I keep busy I don't have to think.  If I keep quiet I don't have to feel.  I have a wonderful time, I smile, I laugh, I even sparkle sometimes with hilarious wit, sometimes.  Why does it feel like I'm not there?   Why does it feel like I'm detached from everything?   I've stopped mulling over my conflicted feelings with my constant companion.  We're just here, getting by, and I just don't care anymore.  I can't sympathize with my oldest friend over his hollow palace and lack of will.  There aren't words left that would help.   I can't grieve my mother's lost dreams or her quiet unraveling like a good son.  I'm sporadically thinking of someone who is very kind and far away.  I worry mostly that life will make him unhappy and I feel he doesn't deserve that, yet I've never understood more that I can't give him what he needs.  I think I am coming to a realization, that I can't GIVE anything anymore, not to anyone.  Not to the best friend, the lost boy, the solider, the mother, the boss, the job, anything. Yet I can't let it be like this, can I?  I'm not there yet. Even if I do have life waiting just over the horizon, it is now only a vision, so I how do I deal with the here and now?  Will someone ever come along and have something to give me?  I feel so alone in this new life in my head.  Now even my dreams match my reality I guess.

Purging helps the soul, I needed to see with my eyes the jumble of things in my head. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense it rarely makes sense to me either.

The BIG D

Spent the weekend in Dallas, much more to write about, but will have to keep for a later date. Here's a belated Man Monday for all.

MELANCHOLY

Ten days have gone by without a single post, and if anybody reads this thing they're not as upset about it as I am. I started writing this blog to express myself, to share my thoughts and feelings, and to follow through on a goal, but like all things I let life sidetrack me sometimes. I don't want this experience to end up on the shelf with unfinished paintings, half used diaries, and only partially read books. I do have a lot going on in life now, a second job, and even more responsibilities at the first, a remodeling project for someone I am deeply committed to seeing through,  a car that's been recently resurrected yet still has problems, and a roommate that on the daily seems to be headed to Chernobyl style meltdown. I think that only slightly grazes the surface. Through it all what I'm really struggling through is finding my happiness. It has to be somewhere. I like my jobs, I love my friends, I value my alone time, but where is my Happiness? Why can't I greet the day with a joy that makes me want to run out and conquer the world? In 28 years I've never seen the life I want so clearly, and I don't want those dreams to be wrapped tightly around a single person, so why do I need someone else to stroke the fire?  I know I can do anything in this world, I just know I can't do it alone.

And here's some pictures for your trouble.

MAN MONDAY

My Secret Obsession...

By the way the last two OMG, all I got to say!

She Works Hard for the Money..

So I know the last two days have been absolutely silent from me, but my god I have been working for what seems like FOREVER. Long hours at the film center doing back to back parties will have some great effect on my pocketbook, but right now all I'm feeling is the effect they've had on my body. I have never felt so old in my entire life but after a fourteen hour day in dress shoes everything below my waist is aching; and I do mean everything. I got home took my socks off and started to massage my feet tonight and I actually found bruises! Bruises! on both balls of my feet and the sides, ouch. Now for some of you out there who do manual labor for a living are probably thinking Pussy, but lets face it the acrobatics of the catering business aren't necessarily for the faint of heart either. To top it all off Friday I went and interviewed, and got a second job just doing basic waiting tables at a corporate place I won't name names right now, but later I'll probably will let slip. So for now it seems its nose, and ass, to the grindstone for me, but hey money talks.

I am Trying to be a Nice Person Damnnit

 Tonight my bestie and I decided to have a few quick drinks with his new love interest. I know what you're thinking, Warning red flag, but really it was ok. Or at least things started that way. The love interest invited his best friend out to even the playing field, which I was fine with. We both share similar jobs and know some of the same people, and hit it off swimmingly at first; BUT as the night wore on this little 21 year old queen began to consistently try my patience. Not only was she rude towards my best friend's relationship, but had the nerve to play a religious card with me. REALLY? I don't think so. Young gay boys have a heap of learning to do from their gay superiors, pre-MTV gay is ok generation ilk. My knuckles were so white and my talons SO sharp by the end of the night that even my bestie's intended had to compliment me on my restraint.  Mark my words though boys, Fuck with me on a bad night and it's off with your head.

Needs Work

I really love blogs. I started following many years before the whole idea became popular. Many are interesting pieces of human expression I can hardly get enough of, and with the advent of user friendly providers like blogger I finally am experiencing the joy of developing this one, but I feel like there is so much more I could be doing. I look at many blogs and find that they have ways of displaying a multitude of the persons interest in links, banners, and pictures, but yet I'm having the hardest time figuring out how to add more delightful material to my own. If anyone out there has some pearls of wisdom on how I can display more content, such as art, music, fashion, and movies. I would greatly appreciate the advice.

MAN MONDAY

Ink it up baby!